Many of society’s attitudes to families and having children have changed in recent years. Childlessness is no longer regarded by all as a terrible misfortune. We no
longer use the harsh words ‘barren’ or ’sterile’. Some fertile couples are happily choosing not to have children, the situation is very different for who remain childless against their will. The realization of subfertility or infertility is often a bitter blow.
When Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children, she envied her sister; and she said to Jacob, ‘Give me children, or I shall die’.
Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel, and he said, ‘Am I in the place of God, who has
withheld from you the fruit of the womb?
Genesis 30:1-2
The feelings of Rachel and Jacob will be painfully familiar to many subfertile couples. Envy, anger, guilt, blame, denial desperation are still common reactions.
If the cause of subfertility is found, many will search their past for some deed for which they are being punished. Commonly (and most wrongly) blamed are premarital sex, contraception, previous pregnancy or abortion, sexually transmissible infection, extramarital fairs, masturbation, homosexual thou or acts, even sexual pleasure. Feelings of guilt and blame can be very destructive. Needless to say that these thoughts are unproductive, but they’re very hard to suppress. Talking about them with your partner and counsellor helps to put irratational feelings in their place.
You may dread breaking the news to family and friends. Even before a problem is identified, you may have become wary of remarks such as ‘Isn’t it about time we had some grandchildren?’ or ‘When are you thinking of starting a family?’. Couples may keep the secret about their infertility because they don’t want to be objects of pity or receive unsolicited advice. Such advice is often based on myths: ‘Relax and you’ll be OK’; ‘Take a holiday’; if the woman is working ‘Give up your job’; if she’s not working ‘Get a job and stop worrying about it’. Enquiries such as ‘Any luck yet?’ can trigger anger or misery. It only takes one remark perceived as insensitive (though well intended) to make the matter a touchy subject to be avoided.
The problem may be recognized at a time when most of a couple’s friends are starting families. Every pregnancy that’s announced – especially an unwanted one – seems like another turn of the screw. Couples may become so sensitive that they withdraw from any situation that might produce contact with pregnant women or babies. This isolates them even more from what they see as normal, and may deprive them of the comfort and support of friends when they need it.
The inherently sexual nature of subfertility may add to a couple’s difficulties in discussing their worries with anyone, including professional helpers. Most couples would prefer to keep private the intimate details of their sexual relationship, but in the investigation and treatment of subfertility attention is focused on their sexual activity, which is scrutinized, counted, recorded, and directed by influences quite outside their spontaneous feelings for each other. Sex may lose its pleasure and become a perfunctory chore. As one woman said: ‘We don’t make love any more: we only try to make babies’. Another said: We never have sex now except when I’m ovulating. What’s the point’.
So when’s the best time to have sex? Many doctors and women want to use temperature and mucus charts to pinpoint the time of ovulation so that the couple have sex at the ‘right’ time. In my opinion this can be overdone and often leads to sexual tensions and problems. Women may become obsessed with their charts. I have heard of women refusing to go out when they expect to ovulate, or ringing their husbands at work, demanding that they come home at once for sex. Some men have difficulty with erection and ejaculation when they’re required to have sex ‘on demand’ rather than when they feel like it.
In most cases I believe that less anxiety and fewer sexual problems are created if couples trying for pregnancy continue to have sex when the mood takes them, and hope that it happens every couple of days. Of course if you’re on treatment to make you ovulate it’s important not to miss out around the time that ovulation happens. You must take your doctor’s advice on this matter, but let’s hope that sex retains its pleasure and doesn’t become a chore.
Other tensions may develop between the partners, especially if they can’t share their feelings. The woman may despair about her partner’s inability to empathize with her anxiety about procedures, her fixation on her temperature chart, her feelings about menstruation, her anxious hopes when her period is late or her bitter disappointment when it comes. The man may not be able to share his anxiety about having to masturbate to produce a semen specimen to be ’scored and counted’, or to perform sexually as soon as his partner ovulates. Their relationship, especially the sexual side, may suffer badly. Both may fear that they will end up not only childless but divorced.
Of course many couples take subfertility or infertility in their stride and come through with a stronger bond than ever. Those who are well informed and’ communicate well are the most likely to survive the tests, treatments and emotional impact with an intact relationship.
If there’s nothing that can be done for your problem or if treatment fails, you may experience strong feelings of grief and loss. Your counsellor can also help you work through this grief, and can assist if you decide to adopt a child.
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